thanks, mom

A good friend of mine and I have recently been having a conversation about motherhood. Her son just turned 9 months old, and that marker has really struck a note with her. As she put it "Now he's been outside of the womb for as long as he was in it". So, this milestone has her thinking, and through discussing it with her - now I'm thinking. OMG, watch out! I'm thinking.

Let me see if I can take you through my stream-of-conscuiosness, a-la The Jilting of Granny Weatherall. 7th grade English class anyone? No? Ok, so you don't get my obscure reference... I know I'm crazy. Here's how my mind works....

I start to think, at my friend's request, about when I first started to realize that these babies of mine were actual people. When did it hit me that they have minds, opinions, will grow to be adults? Ummm... never. It hasn't really hit me yet. Sometimes, when The Babe is expressing a particularly strong opinion, or when The Boy is being emphatically stubborn, I realize that I can't really control them. They are not dolls or toys, they don't fall for everything I say anymore, and they are not afraid to let me know that I am full of it. But, it still hasn't really struck me that they will one day grow up. Even though I watch it every day, it's like I am in denial. I see the little things that indicate how they are growing, and I choose to ignore them. Because, the bottom line is, I can't handle the truth. Jack Nicholson might as well be spitting that in my face.

I cannot bear the thought that when The Babe is a bit older, she won't want me to tag along on her trips to the mall with her girlfriends. Or, that The Boy will want me to drop him off a block from school so none of the other kids will see how I kiss and hug him good-bye. I think I might die when they go off to college and I'm not part of their daily lives anymore, even if I have just been an embarrassment to them all through high school, at least I will have gotten to be there. Oh, and when they're off having fun in college, how will I make it through the week until the Sunday night phone call? How will I not speak to them every day? How will I be when they're done with college and off having a life... When not only do they not need to talk to me every day, but now they no longer even need to play nice because I'll no longer be footing the bill for their campus apartment? They'll only call once a month, maybe. I know it. I know it will happen, and I know I will be hurt. I'll be crushed.

How do I know it? Because that's exactly what I did to my own mother.

Now, don't get me wrong. My mother and I always got along. I don't remember any big rebellion phase or arguing phase or "I hate you" phase (someone please check with my mother, she may be remembering things differently). But I do know that there was a time in my life, a good long time, where I only called her sporadically. Maybe we talked once or twice a month. Maybe I saw her 8 or 10 times in a YEAR, even though we only lived 30 minutes away. I'm sure I was behaving as any normal young person does. But, as a mother, this kills me. It absolutely eats me up inside to think how much it will hurt when my kids do this to me, and therefore, how much it hurt my mother when I did it to her.

So, thanks Mommo. Thanks for allowing me to grow, and then letting me go. And thanks most of all for still being there when I gathered my senses and came back. I hope I can do the same for my kids some day. Much Love....